Monthly Archives: November 2014

Things you can buy, pay for, do, or underwrite for the cost of Jay Cutler’s $126.7 million contract

Heck, we’re all excited about the Bears-Vikings game this weekend here in Chicagoland. Win or lose, we’ll know that we’re taking part in the grand American experiment in income redistribution, in this case to Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who signed a $126.7 million, multi-year deal not long ago, only to lead the team to a 3-6 record.

If you are with the Bears management—or are simply a billionaire seeking ways to burn through excess cash—here are my suggestions for getting rid of your next $126.7 million.

Backfill: Without bothering to Google this, I’m sure this idea isn’t original. This is just my contribution to an important discussion of the day.

  1. Make the movie “Gravity” ($110 million)

Bonus: meeting Sandra Bullock. Downside: meeting George Clooney, the only person on earth more irksome to the majority of American males than Cutler.

  1. Send a probe to Mars, with the help of India ($74 million)

“Our program stands out as the most cost-effective,” gloats Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, who no doubt has lived at some point in Green Bay. “There is this story of our Mars mission costing less than the Hollywood movie ‘Gravity.’”

Downside: this doesn’t clean out nearly enough of that $127 million you’re trying to get rid of. You’ll have to hire a crew of “undocumented immigrants” to work around the clock flushing the remaining $53 million down the toilet. Noted Chicagoan Barack Obama promises they will be getting their social security cards and work permits within a week or so.

  1. Buy Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” ($120 million)

Then go sit alone a barely lighted room and shriek at it after every Bears loss.

  1. Buy the Maltese Falcon ($120 million).

No, not the prop from the Bogart movie. I mean the yacht owned by Elena Ambrosiadou, co-founder and chief executive of Ikos Partners (whatever that is). Sail it out to sea, torpedo it, and sink it. Surely you can find a torpedo for $7 million.

  1. Cover the $120 million in retirement and disability benefits paid out in perpetuity to dead federal employees

“The Inspector General for the U.S. Office of Personnel management found that ‘the amount of post-death improper payments is consistently $100 million – $150 million annually, totaling over $601 million in the last five years.’”

Sort of like the way we’re stuck with Cutler’s salary until he dies, and, probably, forever thereafter.

  1. Buy the De Beers Centenary Diamond ($100 million)

Diamonds are incredibly hard. Most likely they aren’t easy to hammer into dust, like the hopes of Bears fans. But buy this, and with your remaining $20 million, you’ll have plenty of money to take a luxury cruise to Reykjavik, find a volcano, and hurl your precious gem into the fiery cauldron of molten rock. Bring your suitcase with the rest of your cash and shake it out over the inferno. Watch the bills burst into tongues of flame that float away like a hopeless Pentecost without any apostles.

  1. Buy 1.8 million goats for needy Congolese

Samaritan’s Purse, the organization whose brave doctors and nurses are fighting Ebola, also has other relief work around the world. Why not buy a couple million goats for needy Congolese displaced by the ruthless Lord’s Resistance Army?

The best thing is, this is far more purposeful than running after a failed NFL quarterback and begging him to please take more of the cash you’re trying to stuff into his pockets. Plus, you can graze your herd on the rich Astrotuf at Halas Hall while you wait to ship them abroad.

  1. Equip an army of 2.47 million with potato cannons (at $51.21 apiece)

“Never underestimate the power of the City Slicker. Its [sic] actually the world’s most popular potato gun. Why? Because it’s easy to handle, easy to carry and easy to store. But it still packs a powerful punch. Due to the City Slicker’s compact size, it has a very loud discharge and shoots an 18″ flame out the end! If you use your tennis ball attachment in the city, you might never see your tennis ball again. The Quarter Mile Cannon City Slicker is perfect for the backyard, park, and field.”

“Packs a powerful punch.” We’re optimistic that these words will describe the Bears’ play this weekend. But if not, here’s what your money would do: arm the better part of the population of Chicago to launch a potato cannon assault on Soldier Field tomorrow as the Bears slink off the field after giving up another fifty-odd points.


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